Friday, 25 March 2016

Effortless happiness

-selfie to grab attention- 
(yes, I have gotten my braces removed)

Caught myself goofing at work. I haven't visited this page for the longest time but I was reading some of my older posts just a while ago! I remember how blogging was fun. In fact, I am glad that I jotted down some of the most important moments of my life. Being a goldfish myself makes me appreciate the little details even more. 

Life's very different from before. Now that I am in a relationship, I can see myself turning into a much happier person. I can only assume that I am in one with the right one because I have not thought of pulling away when it got deeper. This time, I really feel like staying. I guess a part of me is tired, tired of meaningless dates. Tired of meeting new chaps and getting to know them all over again. When I first met him, I knew it was time for me to settle down.

One more thing I think I like about blogging - I could be as real as I want myself to be, using words to express my feelings at that very moment. I guess there is no need to hold back. If you really feel that way about something or someone at that moment, do not hesitate to say it. Even if shit goes down in the future, it really is okay. All in all, just got to be less afraid of being judged. 

I can't believe I have been living in KL for more than a year now. Til date, it is not a place I would ever call home. Never. Hawrong told me she can't live in a city. I told her, yes me too, certainly not in this fucked up city. Life's not going to be like this without Deric. Without him, how am I going to survive? Seriously, I am being very dependent on him. I don't look forward to working on a LDR at all. Really, it never worked for me. 

Of course, life's also a lot more different after we got Tofu during my last birthday. I love this kitty so much. She's the sweetest in the morning, but the evilest thing at night. I love it when I come home to her. She would be waiting behind the door, wanting us to pet her. After a good few minutes of petting (including a series of intense kisses and hugs), she would jump off and turn her back on us signalling us, "Ciao hoomans, it's enough. I decided I hate it now". 

It's pretty much a love hate relationship with this little one. 

I guess it was true that all I needed is just a cat and a boyfriend. I used to say I enjoy alone time a lot. Perhaps I never truly enjoyed them...because at the end of the day, too much of alone time only does harm to me. I cried and cried, until it's time to get my shit together. Then I'll be okay for a bit, but those moments when I feel shitty about myself never really ceased. 

I haven't thought of being that girl who's overly attached to her boyfriend. The only time we are apart now is going for work. Other than that, we pretty much just do everything together. His friends are now my friends, so we would always hang out as a group as well. It's crazy..because never once I thought I would be able to do this. We would keep each other texted as well, the whole time from 9-6. Every. Single. Day. and strangely all these didn't feel difficult at all...

Throwback to when Tofu was slightly smaller. Obviously, she rejected his kisses here. 

I finally feel that happiness is effortless. I don't have to seek for things to do and plan for outings on purpose only to keep myself occupied. I'm happy that I haven't felt depressed for a long while now. 

I'm thankful, really thankful for all the things/ people surrounding me now. 

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Read my previous blog post and I thought to myself, I'm never going back there. Life is a lot better now. If it was good, it is surely better now. And it will only get better. Nothing else has changed other than me getting myself a boyfriend. It feels real this time, but I'm gonna keep these words to myself cos everyone gets blinded by love. I try not to be cheesy...cos it's just so strange going around and tell people how awesome you think your relationship is right now.

I feel so occupied everyday. No more unnecessary mood swings becos seeing that boy just puts a smile on my face. But when we argue, we argue pretty badly. I hate him so much whenever an argument came up, and I know just what to say to boil his blood even more. Sometimes you're like, "This shit is never gonna work" but the moment a party kinda just makes us stronger and most of the time you'll end up like "What was I thinking?!"

It has been an amazing five months. There's so much to learn being in a relationship. I would say the past relationships haven't taught me a lot becos there wasn't anything too serious. I didn't really compromise and I have always been good with reasoning my acts. I know my character too well! 

He got me (us) a kitten for my birthday. I was so happy. And I'm still so happy thinking about that fluffy thing. We were thinking of adopting one (adoption first) but it was just so difficult to get one that you like. So ended up getting a British short-hair girl. Named it Tofu, with a nickname called Creampuff (cos of cookie run lol). We have been talking about Tofu for a week now even when she isn't even home yet. It was only seven weeks old when we visited her. She was too young for vaccination so we gotta wait for another week til we bring her home! It's sucha happy feeling knowing that you're gonna start keeping a cat again. I miss Mochi...and I still love him. It's just too bad that I didn't get to work in Singapore, and shipping Mochi here is a problem. I'm sure he's being well taken care of now. Maybe Tofu and Mochi could make babies one day, lol. Wonder how ragamuffin + british short gonna look like lollll. 

Saturday, 27 June 2015


I learned to see the good in everything. Learned that I should always have faith that things will get better. The uncertainty that hit me once every week, I could finally say that I snapped out of it. Too often I needed to simply feel sadness, and I haven't the faintest idea. Really, this isn't about saying "I don't know" cos I want to keep it to myself, but I frankly don't and can't explain.

I'm glad, so so glad how things took a turn for the better. My life wasn't a misery, in fact it has been amazing all the time. Sometimes I want to have nothing whatever to grumble at...becos it is as if a sin to do so when you are nothing less than blessed. Sometimes my friends would remind me, "I think you're living a good life now" and I would say, "Yeah, I think so too." but why do I still feel the struggle for positivity? You see, work has been great. I'm motivated and have planned my schedule out. My first paper is on its way. All I need to do is keeping my fingers crossed while I work a little more to make it happen. My friends still stick around. Group chats are still ridiculously immature and amusing. I still managed to trick a few friends into thinking that I'm a good friend to keep, lol. I'm less afraid of being judged now, especially when I know these people won't, so I do not mind at all to share what I think is the darkest side of me.

And you know what? It's really not always about showing the best versions of yourself. It takes a lot more courage to show to the people around you when you're at your most vulnerable situation. 

I'm also perpetually grateful for the people who came into my life and for the people I might have to let go. I wished we never had to make decisions like that simply becos "it's the best for everyone" or "it should be that way". I still hold to the belief that what's meant to be will always find its way. Last night, I watched a movie called "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". It was such an awe-inspiring film I think anyone who's into philosophical crap should check it out haha. "Only through the process of loss that they discover what they had to begin with." Not gonna be a I'm just gonna shut myself right here.

On some days, I'm easily cheered. Just yesterday, I was in a taxi queue and met two aunties who are probably in their early 60s. From a merely 10 min conversation, I learned that they were in the hospital for their checkups/ treatments. Kudos to patients like these who are so independent when their kids/ grandkids should be there to give them a hand. They were so positive and friendly, and I dig that vibe becos you hardly get it in a setting like that. I actually enjoy talking to strangers, I always make an effort to and just pray hard so they don't think I'm a creep. Occasionally to taxi drivers too who seem genuinely friendly. I really wished people were more approachable. 

It's Saturday and I have no plans at all and I can't be happier. I finally get to spend time with myself today and get some chores done (Oh laundry....). I remember how I used to wake up feeling absurdly happy, next thing I found myself making weird moves to my morning playlist lol. I know I need to feel it again becos happiness comes from within yourself, right? and weekends are the only times I get to sleep in and recharge myself. You know, not just the typical "wake up now so you won't be late for work" mornings.

This post is so random but these are the bits of thoughts I wanted to jot down. Okay I think I spent too much time in this position I should get to the grocery store now. Happy weekend xxx

Now listen to this and let it save your soul lollll

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